You have built a system where you are only as successful as your last outcome. It is part of the reason you have been successful, but it has also been something that can hold you back. The duality is hard for us to work with, as we only see the outcome rather than the sacrifices it takes.
Most high achievers do not think of themselves as perfectionists. In a high achiever’s mind, they just have high standards. Not all high achievers are perfectionists, but many have achieved so much because of perfectionistic tendencies they aren’t paying attention to. The difference seems important until you look more deeply at the behavior and the impact. Perfectionism is ’t about quality; it's about fear. A fear that if the outcome is ’t flawless, the whole thing falls apart, and, by extension, so do you. That is where perfectionism and anxiety are linked, and that is when perfectionism becomes something that holds you back rather than makes you successful.
Here are five signs yours might be working against you.
1. You procrastinate
High-achieving perfectionists often assume this sign does not apply to them because they always get things done. That’s what everyone who procrastinates says. You get things done; that is true. However, the outcome is not the only measure that matters, we also need to focus on the process. The deadline looms, the pressure builds, and you rely the pressure of the deadline to get you moving. You tell yourself you work best under pressure. What is also true is that waiting until the last minute protects you and your ego. You get away with reasoning that it was the limited time you had that produced whatever outcome you received. You get the relief of finishing the product and a built-in excuse of limited time if the outcome is not what you wanted. The problem is your body absorbs all of that stress, and you are training your brain to need the pressure in order to function.
2. You waste valuable time revising multiple times
Before you even start, you revise the plan. Then the plan is not quite right, so you revise it again. Maybe you even do this multiple times before you feel “ready” to start the real work. That cycle is part of why starting feels so hard in the first place. Once you do start, you keep redoing the work because it is ’t quite right yet. You wait for it to feel right, but that feeling always seems out of reach because nothing is ever good enough. Some of this produces better results. However, a lot of it is probably avoidance hiding in disguise, looking like productivity. You feel like you are doing something, but really you are looking productive while avoiding the real work. The hours you spend on the fourth revision of something that was already good enough are hours taken from the rest of your life.
3. You think in all or nothing terms
Are one and two already describing some of your tendencies? Everything feels like it has to be “right”, whatever that means. Conditions , the product, and the timing all have to be right. Any version of "not perfect" gets filed and coded as "not acceptable." The pendulum in your mind tends to swing between flawless and worthless, there is no room for nuance or anything in between. This is all or nothing thinking, and it is one of the most reliable signs that perfectionism and anxiety are controlling the host. It keeps you stuck because the standard required to begin is identical to the standard required to finish. This is a standard only you are holding yourself to but it feels like it is much bigger than that.
4. You cannot let anyone else contribute
Nobody else does it the way you do, and that is true. You are absolutely a unique individual. However, that does not mean their version is worthless, that yours is the best without their help, or even that you can’t make your product stronger with additional perspectives. When perfectionism has you in its clutches, you do tasks that could be shared because the thought of someone else doing them feels terrifying; you have to let go of control. What if they do not do it right? This compounds over time, and before you know it, you are overwhelmed. You are doing more than your share, unable to see the difference between what requires a high level of effort and attention to detail and what does not. The control feels like the only way. In reality, the need for control is controlling you but you don’t see it that way in the moment.
5. You talk to yourself like you are worthless
So many accomplishments stacked up over time, and yet something still feels missing. There will always be someone performing better, producing something more clever, or earning more praise and recognition. When your identity is tied to specific outcomes, and that outcome requires perfection, you will always feel lost. If the goal is perfection, the goal needs to change, because that does not exist. I am so sorry to burst your bubble. You will be set up to fail because the standard is simply unattainable. The voice in your head becomes so harsh that you become more down and disgruntled with every pursuit. You might tell yourself that the negative feedback is what keeps you going. That is not motivation at all, that is you being held hostage by perfection.
Are you a perfectionist?
Take a moment to reflect. Are you a perfectionist or are you a high achiever? What might that difference be? And is either one inherently bad? The difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist is the motivation behind the behavior. One is ruled by fear of failure, and the other is driven by personal growth. The challenge is that it's hard to tell which is which; it is likely that even those most often driven by personal growth have darker thoughts and motivations creep in sometimes. It's wonderful to want to do your best and be your best self, I am not telling you to leave that drive behind. Although, that is the fear I hear most often. Something like “but if I stop trying for perfection, I will be lazy and unsuccessful.” That’s just a lie. It is suffocating when you don't see anything worthy about yourself that isn't a perfect outcome. High achievers and perfectionists stay in the loop because they are praised for the outcome, and that feels wonderful.
Most people who end up in my office don’t know if they are a perfectionist, a high-achiever, or both. Being unsure is usually a sign that we need to look a little deeper and see what is behind the success and if it is sustainable.
How the cycle continues
Everyone has a different origin story for these tendencies. It could be familial expectations, proving someone wrong, an addiction to the praise that acts as a reward, etc. What maintains the patterns is usually the dopamine hit that we get when we achieve the goal. Each time we are praised for our outcomes that were a result of endless work and perfectionistic tendencies, we become used to this type of praise and connect the behaviors that led to it as the reason for the success. This is a normal connection, and that’s why it’s so powerful. We think "This worked out, it must have been because I did xyz." In this case, we equate the rules and constraints we set with the success, rather than considering what it might be like to do it differently. Would it still be successful even if you didn't wait until the last minute? Or would it be good enough for the skill you're working on if you didn't rewrite it a fourth time? If we don't test it, we will never know, and perfectionism thrives. Most people are too afraid to take the leap and see what it might be like if they did it differently; they write it off as something that won’t work and are too scared to try. Thus, the cycle continues.
You may not be ready to let go of your behaviors that may or may not have led to your success. When you are, I would love to help set you free from the pressure of always having to be perfect.