5 Signs Your Perfectionism Is Working Against You
You have built a system where you are only as successful as your last outcome. It has gotten you this far. It is also the thing that is starting to cost you.
Most high achievers do not think of themselves as perfectionists. They think of themselves as people with high standards. Not all high achievers are perfectionists, but many have achieved so much because of perfectionistic tendencies. The difference feels important until you look at what the behavior is actually doing. Perfectionism is not about quality, and is actually about fear. A fear that if the outcome is not flawless, the whole thing falls apart, and by extension, so do you. That is where perfectionism and anxiety are linked, and that is when perfectionism stops being helpful and starts being a problem.
Here are five signs yours might be working against you.
1. You procrastinate
High-achieving perfectionists often assume this sign does not apply to them because they always get things done. You get things done, but it's not always about the outcome, it's about the process. The deadline arrives, the pressure builds, and something in you finally shifts into gear. You tell yourself you work best under pressure. What is also true is that waiting until the last minute protects you. You get away with reasoning that it was the limited time you had. You get the relief of finishing and a built-in excuse. The problem is your body absorbs all of that stress, and you are training your brain to need the pressure in order to function.
2. You waste valuable time revising multiple times
Before you start, you revise the plan. The plan is not quite right, so you revise it again. That cycle is part of why starting feels so hard in the first place. Once you do start, the work gets redone repeatedly because it is not quite right yet. Some of this produces genuinely better results. Some of it is avoidance wearing a productive disguise. The hours you spend on the fourth revision of something that was already good enough are hours taken from the rest of your life.
3. You think in all or nothing terms
Do you notice the patterns in signs one and two? Conditions have to be right, the product has to be right, and the timing has to be right. Any version of "not perfect" registers as "not acceptable." The pendulum swings between flawless and worthless, with nothing permitted in between. This is all or nothing thinking, and it is one of the most reliable signs that perfectionism and anxiety are controlling the host. It keeps you stuck because the standard required to begin is identical to the standard required to finish, and neither one actually exists.
4. You cannot let anyone else contribute
Nobody else does it the way you do, and that is true. However, that does not mean their version is worthless. When perfectionism has you in its clutches, you do tasks that could be shared because the thought of someone else doing them feels terrifying. What if they do not do it right? This compounds over time, and before you know it, you are overwhelmed. You are doing more than your share, unable to see the difference between what requires a high level of effort and attention to detail and what does not. The control feels like the only way. In reality, the need for control is controlling you.
5. You talk to yourself like you are worthless
This is something many high achievers struggle with. So many accomplishments, and yet something still feels missing. There will always be someone performing better, producing something more clever, earning more praise and recognition. When your identity is built on a certain outcome, and that outcome requires perfection, you will always feel lost. If the goal is perfection, the goal needs to change, because that does not exist. You will be set up to fail because the standard is simply unattainable. The voice in your head becomes so harsh that nobody who actually knows you would recognize it. You might tell yourself that the negative feedback is what keeps you going. That is not motivation. That is a lie you have agreed to live with.
Are you a perfectionist?
Take a moment to reflect. Are you a perfectionist or are you a high achiever? What might that difference be? And is either one inherently bad? The difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist is the driving force behind the behavior. One is guided by fear of failure and the other is driven by personal growth. The challenge is that it's hard to tell which is which, it is likely that even those most often driven by personal growth have darker thoughts and motivations creep in sometimes. It is a wonderful thing to want to do your best and be your best self. It is suffocating when you don't see anything worthy about yourself that isn't tied to a perfect outcome. High achievers and perfectionists stay in the loop because they are praised for the outcome, and that feels wonderful.
Most people who end up in my office are not sure which one they are. That uncertainty is usually a sign it is worth looking at.
How the cycle continues
Everyone has a different origin story for these tendencies. It could be familial expectations, proving someone wrong, an addiction to the praise that acts as a reward, etc. What maintains the patterns is usually the feeling of success. Each time we are praised for our outcomes that were a result of endless work and perfectionistic tendencies, we become used to this type of praise and connect the behaviors that led to it as the reason for the success. We don't do that on purpose, it's just a normal connection. We think "This worked out, it must have been because I did xyz." In this case, we are equating the rules and constraints set as the reason for the success, not thinking what it might be like to do it differently. Would it still be successful even if you didn't wait until the last minute? Or would it be good enough for the type of skill you are doing if you didn't rewrite it the fourth time? If we don't test it, we will never know and perfectionism thrives.
You may not be ready to let go of your behaviors that may or may not have led to your success. When you are, I would love to help set you free from the pressure of always having to be perfect.