Imagine you just finished something big that took a lot of effort. Something like a presentation, a hard conversation, a workout, or even just a piece of a project that was important. There is maybe this split second where you likely feel good about it. And then almost instantly the voice in your head starts picking it apart and doesn’t allow you to keep that feeling. Your inner critic comes in strong, telling you what you rushed, where you were sloppy, the part someone probably noticed was a mistake. In your head you do not call this self-criticism; for you, this is just the high standard you hold yourself to. And it’s also the reason you believe you are successful.
Most driven people are convinced that this incredibly rude voice is the reason they have gotten anywhere in life, so they keep going with what has arguably worked. The fear that keeps it in place is pretty simple and admitted: if I ease up on myself, I will get lazy, and it will all come apart, I will never have success again. I take that belief seriously, because it rules a lot of high-functioning people. I also know what it is like to believe that voice myself, and I want to tell you why the argument doesn’t really hold up when put on trial.
What self-criticism does to you
Self-criticism puts your brain in the same state as a threat to your life. When your system is braced against a threat, it narrows, defends, and stops what you really need it to do which is learn and adjust. So the harshest voice says hello at when you really need to think clearly. Instead of pushing you forward like you think it does, it actually keeps you from reaching your fullest potential. Let that sink in. I know it challenges every belief you have about growth and success, particularly if you are an athlete.
That is the part that surprises people. Being hard on yourself is not doing what you think it is. It actually can hold you back, in terms of your performance because it focuses everything on your weaknesses and leaves scars to break through. It forces us to carry a very heavy cognitive load.
High standards and self-criticism get treated as the same thing, but are not as related as you might guess. High standards are about the work itself. They look forward at the product and work. They define where the bar is, show the next attempt, then figure out where to build. Self-criticism is about you, not the work at all. It looks backward and tells you who you are as a person, not the individual piece of work you produced. You can keep the standard and drop the criticism, I promise it is possible. That part was never the driver of your success at all, the work you produced was.
I can already hear you or see the eye roll. You might be thinking something like: “but that criticism is the only thing that got me to do the work. I had to prove it wrong.” We have to change the motivation because that just isn’t sustainable.
The function of the critic
Here is the reframe I tend to use with clients. Your inner critic is rejecting you before anyone else can, which sounds terrible but is also protective. You reject yourself first, harder than anyone else would, so that no one can get there before you. If you have already torn it apart yourself, their opinion cannot hurt you because you were prepared for it. And maybe because you tried to find every possible negative thing someone could say you have fixed it so there is nothing bad to say. Sound familiar?
It feels like control and protection, but it’s hurting your own self image. You are taking a hit in advance for something that, most of the time, was never even going to be so critical. Most of the people in your treat you far better than that inner voice you have.
What works better
There are two typical responses, and both are not great. One is to double down, feed into the theory that the criticism just needs to be louder and it will work better. The other is to fake positivity with affirmations your own brain does not believe. Neither one really works well. One makes you feel even worse, and the other feels disingenuous and fake. Those options suck, let’s stop doing that.
What helps is separating the high standard from the punishment. You are allowed to want excellent work and strive for that, nobody is taking that from you. It is also possible to let go of the need to attack who you are as a person in order to get it done; they simply do not need to be connected. Those are not the same thing, but we seem to be very good at fusing them.
It helps to talk to yourself the way a good coach talks to an athlete they are responsible for. Of note, we have come a long way in determining what a good coach is; a good coach does not motivate by fear or criticism. A good coach is honest about the mess-up or shortcoming and still, without a doubt, always in your corner building you up. That is what separates the two voices. Accountability points you in the direction of growth; the critic tears down your worth.
It also helps to ask what the critic is actually trying to protect. Underneath most of it is usually rejection of some kind, the fear of being found out as inadequate by someone else. Like I said before, if you beat them to it, it won’t sting as much when it comes from someone else. You believe the preparation and being a jerk to yourself is what protects you. When you can name that, the voice loses some of its power over you, because you can see it for what it is: it’s not the law or determination of who you are, it is just a fear of being judged.
So we have to ask ourselves a big question. Does this voice leave you with a next step, or does it leave you avoiding trying entirely? Real accountability produces growth. If yours produces a shutdown instead it has not been holding you accountable, it has actually been keeping you from success. Think of where you could go if you were just a little less of a jerk to yourself.
If this voice runs your life
Being hard on yourself is one of the most common things I work on with capable, driven people. This is something that is so possible to be worked on. Notice, I say workable and not fixable. You do not have to choose between high standards and being kind to yourself. You were never getting as far as you wanted from the self-critiscism in the first place.
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